the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
