after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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