Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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