please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
