nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
