Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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