Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
