you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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