on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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