FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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