In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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