I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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