my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
