Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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