Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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