So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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