i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
