I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
