there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
