Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
