the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
