I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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