I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize