Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
where are my eyebrows?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
