I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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