dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
