i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
