I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Someone came in the potted fern
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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