Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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