Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
