I need help removing her.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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