and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize