Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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