I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
