Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
