You just made me feel so damn special
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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