What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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