Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
