Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
