Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
