Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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