absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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