I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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