If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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