Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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