Pants 0. Shit 1.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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