Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
