At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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