why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
