Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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