I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize