Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
