we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
