Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
