No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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