Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
