I'm sorry my penis didn't work
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
