...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
