Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
